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Are you the type of customer who says, "Yep, we're ready to order!" and then hems and haws over the menu while you hold your server hostage at your table side? Then this list is for you.
When your server asked if you were ready to order, they meant:
If you can tell me at a machine gun pace, exactly what you're going to eat, preferably with no modifications to the menu, then I will stand here and write it down.
What they did not mean is:
Sure, I have all the time in the world to stand here while you point at things, shake your head, change your mind, turn the page, mumble to yourself, ask for and consequently ignore my suggestions, etc.
If you need more time, simply say, I'm not ready yet. And that is 100% ok! If you have questions about the menu, great - ask away! But if you tell your server that you are ready when in reality you have no idea what the fuck you want, the only thing that can happen is your server awkwardly stands at attention at your table, glaring at you while you make your final decision. Attempting to leave puts the server at risk of seeming uninterested in you as a customer. But standing and waiting is wasting valuable server time - they are forced to ignore their other guests while you selfishly and silently demand that they watch you make a decision.
Here is what your server is doing while you take your sweet ass time and decide what you want.
1. Making Grocery Lists
To the customer: Yes, of course you can add avocado to your salad! But just so you know, there's a slight upcharge. :)
Internal monologue: Ooh yea, avocados... I should grab a couple next time I go food shopping. Actually, I need to go food shopping today. I basically left the kids to hunt and gather for scraps in the pantry this morning. I'll go to Trader Joe's right after work and get avocados, and milk, and cereal, and juice, oh and dinner tonight... hmm..
Customer: I'm done ordering now. You can leave.
2. Thinking About the Sex They Had Last Night
Or maybe even this morning... Either way, it's WAY more interesting than staring at your dandruff.
3. Thinking About You Having Sex
"Yes, of course you can have that order extra hot... Yea, you like it extra hot, don't you?"
After they think about their own sex life, their mind wanders over to yours. Whether they're thinking about you and your dining partner having sex or about having sex with you while you eat your steamed asparagus, it's happening.
4. Judging You
"Alright, those are some great meal choices! Just don't wear that fucking ridiculous hat at my table ever again."
5. Turning Your Order Into a Rap
"It's chicken with rice no thyme, yes rice no thyme that's right no thyme. It's chicken... it's chicken (chicken) chicken (chicken)"
We're bored. We're on autopilot. If this helps us remember your order and keeps us smiling, just let it happen.
6. Creating Your Awesome Background Story
"I wonder if they found parking out front... No, they definitely rode here on a fire-breathing dragon while shooting rainbows from their open palm. Or maybe it was a unicorn."
Servers are great at multi-tasking! Why are you even surprised?
Friday is our dance party day! This week, Anarchy held an impromptu solo dance party at Chaos' school while she participated in the annual walk-a-thon fundraiser! Enjoy.
CHILDLESS THIRTYSOMETHING VS. THE MOM
9 am: Blink eyes open, look at cell phone, roll over, go back to sleep
11:30 am: Check phone again, see texts from friends… “OMG LET’S TOTES BRUNCH!!”
12 pm: Shower, wash hair, and shave legs while Beyonce serenades you through your glorious bathing
12:30 pm: Dress in your fave ripped high-waisted shorts, ankle boots, statement tee from Urban Outfitters & Calamity Jane hat
12:45 pm: FB post with a selfie of you looking trendy, hipster fab: “Can’t wait to brunch with my lady loves! #chillin #besties #SUNDAYFUNDAY #TOTES”
1pm: BRUNCH with the besties – Bottomless Bloody Marys, Mimosas & Eggs Benedict abound
4 pm: Wander along Melrose with friends, buy clothes (or whatever the hell you want) cause you, like, deserve it
5 pm: Stop home, feed the dog, change into new clothes and maybe even wedges… ohmygod wedges!!
6 pm: Meet boyfriend and your awesome friend-group for weekly game night with cocktails and snacks!
6-10: Play Cards Against Humanity, Drunk Charades, Etc. Engage in fun-filled activities while getting blissfully buzzed (for the 2nd time today) with no curfew and only a mediocre care that you have to work tomorrow
11:30 pm: Head home with the boy, watch “your show” together, climb into bed, have sex, sleep. Yay Sunday!
6:30 am: Bedroom door busts open, “We’re hungry!!!!” Give them the iPad and shoo them away, promise to get up in 30 minutes, tell them to use their miniature IKEA chairs to climb up the pantry shelves and eat the Cheetos for now.
6:50 am: Sticky orange fingers claw at your face while they bicker over Netflix choices at your bedside. Concede and dramatically throw the covers back, declaring to some sort of authority that you are taking a nap later and everyone is going to be silent while this happens. Make coffee.
7:45 am: Dress in one of 2 choices: A. leggings that have been deemed meh quality – you usually wear them as pajamas but wouldn’t be completely embarrassed to be seen out of the house in them or B. knee-length cuffed denim shorts that do you exactly zero favors. Underwear optional for both options A & B
8 am – 11:30 am: Make breakfast, separate 7 loads of laundry, do some dishes, make second breakfast, wash and dry 3 loads of laundry, do more dishes, pick up various random items off the floor including but not limited to birthday streamers (there have been zero birthdays for 5 months), half-crumbled crackers, doll shoes, kid shoes, adult shoes, and pennies, so many pennies, Why are there so many pennies?! Do some more dishes, make elevenses meal as per the hobbit meal plan that your children have naturally gravitated towards
12 pm: Sit on couch for 5 minutes. Feel guilty for sitting on couch.
12:06: Get off couch
12:07: Try to engage in at least one interactive activity with children that does not involve technology. Forget how to complete said activity, look it up on YouTube with the kids, watch the happy YouTube family engage in activity. Feel satisfied.
12:30 pm: FB post with a photo of you and the kids tucked under a blankie on the couch, engaged in a group hug with giant smiles: “Just hangin’ with the kiddos today. Love spending time with my little beans. #lazyday #lovemykids #relaxing #SUNDAYFUNDAY”
Obviously do not reveal that you had to bribe them with the promise of a new toy if they smiled and hugged for the camera.
12:45 pm: Shove some leftover PB&J crust in your mouth, a random piece of fruit, and the Cheetos they left on the counter from 1st breakfast, plus more coffee – always more coffee. Classy Sunday brunch mom style… whatevs.
1 pm: Get the hell out of the house.
1:30-4:30: Bolt around town like a bat outta hell while kids fluctuate between being completely adorable and beating the crap out of each other. Complete food shopping, pick up dry cleaning, get more coffee at some point – always more coffee, stop at the dollar store to purchase promised bribery toys from FB post negotiation, pat yourself on the back for having fooled them into thinking the dollar store is a legit source of quality toys. Mom wins.
5 pm – 7:30 pm: Wash and dry more laundry, Give them a snack, do exactly 8 more dishes, Clean something – anything – vow to clean the rest of the house AFTER they fall asleep, make dinner, hose them down – consider using soap but you’re getting really tired, find clean pajamas in clean laundry pile, stare at dirty laundry pile and nod at it condescendingly because you’re borderline delirious
7:30 – 8 pm: They watch TV while you stare at your phone and allow yourself to momentarily fall into the social media abyss.
8:30 pm: Attempt to get them to sleep – read a story, water, hugs, more water, more hugs, crying, you realize you shouldn’t be crying, turn Spotify “Sleep” station on, Success.
8:45 pm: Pour glass of wine, debate over finishing the cleaning, folding the laundry, prepping lunches for tomorrow, watching the ENTIRE new season of OITNB, finishing The Alchemist after months of being halfway through it, returning those emails, starting that short story, shopping online, uploading those pics from your actual camera to FB, calling your cousin….
8:53 pm: You are passed out on couch drooling, wine barely touched on coffee table, YAY SUNDAY!