Are you the type of customer who says, "Yep, we're ready to order!" and then hems and haws over the menu while you hold your server hostage at your table side? Then this list is for you.
When your server asked if you were ready to order, they meant:
If you can tell me at a machine gun pace, exactly what you're going to eat, preferably with no modifications to the menu, then I will stand here and write it down.
What they did not mean is:
Sure, I have all the time in the world to stand here while you point at things, shake your head, change your mind, turn the page, mumble to yourself, ask for and consequently ignore my suggestions, etc.
If you need more time, simply say, I'm not ready yet. And that is 100% ok! If you have questions about the menu, great - ask away! But if you tell your server that you are ready when in reality you have no idea what the fuck you want, the only thing that can happen is your server awkwardly stands at attention at your table, glaring at you while you make your final decision. Attempting to leave puts the server at risk of seeming uninterested in you as a customer. But standing and waiting is wasting valuable server time - they are forced to ignore their other guests while you selfishly and silently demand that they watch you make a decision.
Here is what your server is doing while you take your sweet ass time and decide what you want.
1. Making Grocery Lists
To the customer: Yes, of course you can add avocado to your salad! But just so you know, there's a slight upcharge. :)
Internal monologue: Ooh yea, avocados... I should grab a couple next time I go food shopping. Actually, I need to go food shopping today. I basically left the kids to hunt and gather for scraps in the pantry this morning. I'll go to Trader Joe's right after work and get avocados, and milk, and cereal, and juice, oh and dinner tonight... hmm..
Customer: I'm done ordering now. You can leave.
2. Thinking About the Sex They Had Last Night
Or maybe even this morning... Either way, it's WAY more interesting than staring at your dandruff.
3. Thinking About You Having Sex
"Yes, of course you can have that order extra hot... Yea, you like it extra hot, don't you?"
After they think about their own sex life, their mind wanders over to yours. Whether they're thinking about you and your dining partner having sex or about having sex with you while you eat your steamed asparagus, it's happening.
4. Judging You
"Alright, those are some great meal choices! Just don't wear that fucking ridiculous hat at my table ever again."
5. Turning Your Order Into a Rap
"It's chicken with rice no thyme, yes rice no thyme that's right no thyme. It's chicken... it's chicken (chicken) chicken (chicken)"
We're bored. We're on autopilot. If this helps us remember your order and keeps us smiling, just let it happen.
6. Creating Your Awesome Background Story
"I wonder if they found parking out front... No, they definitely rode here on a fire-breathing dragon while shooting rainbows from their open palm. Or maybe it was a unicorn."
Servers are great at multi-tasking! Why are you even surprised?